soba

MONDAY, MARCH 26 2025 - 'PM' IS TOO CLOSE TO 'AM' AT TIMES LIKE THESE

i remember how i used to live, and how badly i wanted to tear myself out.

A BURNING SENSATION. A SKINLESS FEELING , YOU HAD DESCRIBED IT THEN. CHEESE GRATER AGAINST SKIN.

i didn't want to live like that anymore.

white light outside my sloppily boarded windows. i had no curtains. it was so bright, all the time. it was so hot, all the time. every afternoon i was burning. i couldn't stop the sun.

it's a beautiful thing the internet these days provide. the ability to choose, to mold, to form - to find - your own environment. that really is the only thing i dislike about twitter. if it were a place like tumblr, i could easily just block the 'weed' tag. you can't do that here.

but anyways,

i remember going through my days like i was on fire, and no one else saw. i wrote like that too. no one saw either. never shared. except for one section that had leaked out, but there was so much more.

it's not as if no one was there to listen, this time Was the peak of the friend group anyway. but i was burning at all the wrong times.

i only ever spoke in analogies and references no one would ever get. i remember being frustrated, i remember being a dancing bonfire. hazy-eyed smiles. i counted the breaths of my flooring, i'd imagine myself floating out in the white sky, i'd see the tops of buildings, i'd make friends with the zebra doves.

the peak of the friend group, i say.

YOU WERE SO LONELY

i didn't want to live like that anymore. in a way it shaped me, sure, it made me Somewhat Beautiful. but only ever at the wrong times.

i don't want to live like that anymore. without ever knowing what was under my bed. constant paranoia (of The Bugs). these days it's just me under the bed now. but that haze is always closeted in my heart. always. i will never forget that feeling of loneliness. how could i? it was a different form of death. i was a walking - barely-there - corpse aflame. my vision was saturated to the max, the objects around me breathed in sync with my tattered lungs. my desk was the color of her skin. jaundice yellow. it took breath like she did. mumbled - slurred like she did. Even the Bile was Kind to Me, i had said. warmth up my nose, out my mouth. i wonder how much time i've spent in that bathroom just puking my entire life out.

i remember being so happy when i moved out.

i had curtains that october, and suddenly the sun's voice wasn't too much anymore. fresh paint smell, cabinet cabinet cabinet. oh dear. i Was So Happy.

it's not exactly like that anymore. happiness isn't something that happens anymore, i have to seek it out, (without substance), to Choose it. but i don't think that's a bad thing. i've been quite content really.

LIKE A GRADUAL SUNRISE

THE SKY UNDRESSES BEFORE YOUR EYES

what you're looking for is a way of life. the only catch?

soba

SUNDAY, MARCH 25 2025 - THE SUN IS MAKING HER LEAVE FOR THE DAY

i'd like to put my life into book review.

the self that- no actually it's better not to say such a thing. despite regurgitating the holy entirety of my lexicon i find it highly unfavorable to - ah . . . what was i going to say? nevermind, confound it. . . counfound it ! see, hear it, let's start here. this is quite the beautiful placement for a quiz don't you think ? alright. tell me, tell me ! at this time, i am thinking of:

did you get it right? oh good for you ! you must feel so uplifted and acknowledged ! but in sincerity, i've been trying my utmost to be an unmalleable child - but a child uninfluencable (does such a word,, ,, exist ,, ,) wouldn't be a child at all, no? ah ! how foolish ! goodness, where is this headed? will all bulb lit nights be like this? i was only kidding ! i am actually quite enjoying the inbetween, if only it wasn't so {unidentified variable}

to put it to explanation, (greetings , greetings !!!) i am such a person who, is in love (constantly, and with a lot of things. with most things, like commas, like art, like parentheses, [and parentheses within parentheses]) with the aesthetics of creation (my family thinks highly of me because of this, they do not know anything about anything [just kidding ! that's like, so rude.]) yet i did have to promptly google the meaning of the word "variable" (to answer your question: yes, i try very hard to be unique and quirky and cool and original and full of eccentric being, is it working? no - shush now, don't answer that, i already know what you will say.) to make sure of it. twice, on site and on paper. i own quite the beautiful dictionary i'll have you know ! the likes of which- possesses a spread just for words that start with "un-". beautiful, no?

tru-ism n. an undoubted or self-evident truth.